Curiosity: What Is It? Why Does It Matter? Is it to be Encouraged?

Curiosity is the drive to explore, ask questions, and seek understanding about ourselves, others, and the world around us. It’s not just about gathering information—it’s about wondering, noticing, and being open to learning something new, even when we think we’ve “seen this before”.

I have been wondering about “curiosity” and its importance in my life. When I am in a state of curiosity, I feel alive to what’s going on inside and around me, and I like that feeling of “being alive”.

I live with a dog, and I work with dogs, as part of a small team of 13. Dogs are curious animals by nature and observing them has taught me much about “curiosity”. When I am with my dog, Ravi I enjoy following him, observing his ability to communicate with me without using words. It is an awesome experience to know that when he is telling me something I believe I get it.

The other day I was in a meeting and Ravi appeared all of a sudden sitting leaning up against my leg and staring up at me with this look that he has that tells me he has something important to convey. I took notice and wondered.

He had done this exact same thing previously a few weeks earlier. On that occasion, I found that Prince, our smallest dog team member had planted a little poo package under my desk in our office. Ravi had come to tell me, and I initially ignored him only to find that he did not want to sleep in his bed in our office until I had removed the package. I wondered about why Prince would do such a thing. It appears in hindsight that Prince who was still quite clingy to his human had decided to test the waters. My reaction was not drastic. I simply removed his package. He was not there to observe this. I then told his human mother whose reaction was one of embarrassment and shame and she told off Prince and looked for some carpet freshener. I reassured her that I thought it was funny. I did keep wondering and thinking it was surprising behaviour given Prince was fully able to participate as a dog team member, meeting and greeting people, getting along well with the other dogs (Ravi and Frankie) and he had not previously disgraced himself. It was an accident, I thought. Well, there is no such thing, is there. I kept wondering about why Prince would choose my office. I am the boss after all and surely there would be safer places to poo. I have since learned that Prince has become an even more chilled dog team member. He is now completely relaxed in our office environment and is no longer following his human mother around the office, closely at her heal. Prince is now happily sitting with anyone on the couch and enjoying a cuddle. He has become completely relaxed wandering around our offices often in the company of Frankie, a younger and much larger companion. The conclusion I have drawn: Prince tested me. If I was safe to receive his poo parcel, then all is safe at Hope Street.

Coming back to Ravi doing this thing to me, where he tells me: I have to tell you something important, pay attention and go look. So I got up during that meeting, excusing myself and saying, I need a moment to figure out what Ravi is telling me. I was thinking at the time, Frankie is there too, what has she been up to. I presumed he was telling me that Frankie had done something in his office. I looked around the spaces and found nothing. I returned to the meeting, that thankfully ended soon thereafter only to find that in the kitchen I had burned my lunch. That is what Ravi was trying to tell me that time. I am a slow learner, clearly. Curiosity is one thing, but what we do with it, is the clincher ...

What Is Curiosity?

• Curiosity is the act of wondering, asking questions, and seeking insight.
• It involves noticing our own assumptions and judgments, and trying to “wonder” without diagnosing, analysing or “fixing”.
• Curiosity can be direct (leading to an “aha” moment) or reverse (realising we’ve been asking the wrong questions and shifting our inquiry).
• Why do I sometimes feel unease when I am being curious? Well, I have my theories around that but am still in that place where curiosity around this has not led me to any conclusions that I am ready to share. It is safe to say that for me it is a continuous state of being and that it comes with a gut feeling that can be pleasant and unpleasant all at the same time.

Why Is Curiosity Important?

• Personal Growth: Curiosity allows us to discover ourselves and others. When we are curious, we open up opportunities for learning and transformation.
• Emotional Benefits: Research shows that when people feel understood—when someone is curious about them—they experience satisfaction, security, and tension relief. These emotions are the opposite of anxiety, fear, and stress. And you know what? When we are curious about others, we feel the same thing, that is satisfaction, tension relief and security. Isn’t that a fun fact. It’s reciprocal.
• Conflict Resolution: In mediation and negotiation, curiosity helps us move beyond defending our positions. It enables us to explore what really matters—our values, needs, hopes, and concerns—and find solutions that work for everyone.
• Relationship Building: Curiosity fosters deeper understanding between people. Listening with curiosity (rather than just to reply) helps bridge gaps in communication and build trust.

Is Curiosity Encouraged?

• Encouraged: In many professional and personal contexts, curiosity is highly encouraged. It’s seen as a key skill for mediators, negotiators, and anyone seeking to understand others or solve problems collaboratively.
  • Open-ended questions are valued because they allow for more comprehensive understanding.
  • Curiosity is essential for learning and growth—without it, mediation and conflict resolution often stall.
    
    
• Another story:  I was in a meeting recently, where lawyers got seriously stuck with their clients and their dispute.  They tried every negotiation skill.  They tried cajoling, telling, reframing, reflecting, encouraging, they asked a bunch of questions and made a bunch of suggestions.  They argued the law, and they threatened.  In the end one of the clients and their lawyer stormed out.  The parting lawyer’s comment was: That’s never going to happen.  My take home from that situation was that we asked the impossible of these clients.  One was ready to move on, and one was not.  One was ready to learn something new, and one was not.  The one that was not ready to move on, was stuck.  Why?  I think because he had not been prepared by his counsel for a difficult conversation.  He had probably been given a lecture / legal opinion about his rights.  However, I doubt very much that his counsel had sat and listened with curiosity.  How do I know this?  Because when in the room, it was obvious that all doors and windows were locked and bolted shut.  No light got in to shine on what was underneath the parties’ relationship breakdown.  The pain, the grief and the anger, the hopelessness of the breakdown of the relationship had not been given room to breathe.  In neuroscience terms, our brains cannot learn new things if we feel anxiety, fear and stress.   The timing was wrong, and the preparatory work had not been done.  
  
  
• My Perspective:  As practitioners we have a job to do.  The least of which is to sit with our clients with curiosity and an open heart.  As humans, it’s a basic skill that we have from birth and then somehow, we lose track, because we have to become experts at everything and the fear of failing becomes overwhelming.
  
  
• Is Curiosity Discouraged:
  
  
• Discouraged:  Yes, I see this often.  Curiosity can be blocked or discouraged in certain situations:
  
  • When people feel threatened (by anxiety, fear, or stress), their ability to be curious shuts down. They may become defensive or resistant to new ideas.
    
    
  • In some cultures (including mine), or environments, asking questions may be seen as intrusive or challenging authority.  Why do we grow up with the saying:  “It’s Curiosity that killed the cat”.  Children get told off for being nosey.  We sometimes get told to mind our own business, even when our intention is to help.
    
    
  • In situations where curiosity is used to steer or direct the conversation with an agenda (rather than genuine interest), it can be counterproductive.

Why Might Curiosity Be Discouraged?

• Threats and Defensiveness: When what matters to someone feels threatened—such as their identity or values—they may resist curiosity and defend their position instead.
  
  
• Power Dynamics: In some relationships or professional settings, there are inherent power dynamics that make open questioning difficult or risky.
  
  
• Judgment vs. Wondering: If questions are perceived as judgmental rather than genuinely curious, they can shut down dialogue rather than open it up.

Conclusion

Curiosity is a powerful force for personal growth, emotional wellbeing, and effective communication. It is generally encouraged because it leads to deeper understanding and better outcomes. However, it requires a safe environment and genuine intent—otherwise, it can be blocked by defensiveness or perceived as intrusive. The art of curiosity lies in asking open questions, listening to understand, and being ready to be surprised by what we learn.

If you’d like practical tips on how to foster curiosity in your work or relationships, let me know!

Contact anja@bluedoormediation.co.nz